The whole of Western Europe was put on high alert yesterday when English football was declared missing.
       These startling relevations were brought to the attention of police by a Mr Drevit of York.
       'I was just off d'n coal mine when I thought to meself. 'ang on, when we lost that Euro 96 game against the Nazis, I distinctly remember people saying football was to be 'coming home' shortly. Now excuse me if a'm wrong, but I never actually heard anyone state officially like that football ever came home. Me wife is really upset.'
       If Mr Drevit is right, it would mean that football has been missing ever since Euro 96.
       The last time that Mr Drevin remembers the sight of football in that tournament was at the semi-final between England and Germany. Perhaps it was those German scoundrals who took football. We can't say it hasn't happened before. Exactly 30 years prior to that game, England won the World Cup against the World War silver medalists. They lost the battle but took the ball, much to the annoyance of Geoff Hurst who scored a hat-trick and was thus entitled to the match ball.
       The FA moved quickly to question the German Football Association over the whereabouts of English football. We spoke to Herr Gurring MFE (minister for footballing efficiency) who denied any football thievery.
       'Ve deny any knowledge of ze whereabouts of ze Englisher fussball. Perhaps you should ask ze French. Zey had it last...'.
       The issue of the whereabouts of English football soon ecalated to governmental level and forced Prime Minister Tony Blair to issue the following statement:
       'We are all in Europe now and so that means I have to be nice to all the crap countries we used to have wars with. Anyway, I would like to take this opportunity to ask France "Please can we have our football back". Oh, and if you're still listening, please buy our beef, it may send you crazy but its really yummy'.
       The search continues...