The plight of Liverpool striker Emile Heskey to become the spearhead of England forward line took a step forward yesterday, when he was awarded a lottery grant to help him recover from a rare mental condition.

Heskey on the ground

The effects of the condition, known simply as 'Down Key Syndrome', manifest themselves under extremes of physical activity, thus are massively damaging to his footballing career.
       The symptoms are already known to most Premiership defenders who have to witness the Leicester reject tumble to the ground at regular intervals.
       The less knowledgable football fan may see this as simply clumbsiness, but this is not so as I was told by Dr Vlatkov of Birmingham Polytechnic, a leading expert in the field and key man in the rehabilitation of Heskey.
       Dr Vlatkov detailed to me the horrific implications of this condition from studies on local patients in his homeland of Moldova:
      'Ze problem wis mi patients wranged from ze simple headayche to ze more serious problem of death. Ze boy Emile has only zi weekest form of ze disease, and eet iz fully curable. Alas he suffers from occasional vertical deficiency, but zis is a symptom of the treatment and not the disease.'
       Dr Vlatmov then told me about the specifics of the treatment he conducted on Mr Heskey:
       'Vell firsten I stuck an emormous anal probe into the boy. Zen I started ze treatment. I do not vish to go into the itsy bitzy details, but suffice to say he is now taking only small pills - orally ofcourse'.
       'Ze money from ze lottey grant vill help to provide ze highest quality cover that anyone can provide. It vil also help me pay off my mortgage.'
       I spoke to the doctor about the critiscism that has surrounded the whole situation. It has been widely rumoured that Mr Heskey has no such disease, and the treatment that he detailed is all a sham. Even the origins of the disease have been brought into question.
       'Yes, I am vully aware of zees media lies. I can assue you zat Mr Heskey and I had a long and prosperous probing session, for sure'.
      Mr Heskey refused to comment on his situation, prefering to concentrate on his football.
       The award of lottery funds to an individual rumoured to be raking in over £40k a week adds to a recent spate of questionable lottery targets. Only last week £200k was awarded to Ken Bates the Chelsea chairman to help him build a new rockery for his back garden.